Being a Highly Sensitive Person (an HSP)

‘Those born highly sensitive are more affected by everything.’ (Elaine N. Aron)

If there’s one thing those who know me well can testify to it’s that I’m highly sensitive.

As a result of this I’ve often been referred to as being ‘too much’ of various emotions and feelings.

Too sensitive.

Too emotional.

Too intense.

Too dramatic.

Too vulnerable.

I feel too much.

I over-react.

I can’t take a joke.

I thought that there was something wrong with me to be this way.

I believed that I was flawed. That I had to be fixed.

That I had to toughen up, have thicker skin, not be so expressive.

I have spent much of my life trying to ‘fix’ myself.

To cure myself from this apparent affliction.

I tried to ‘fit’ in, to be ‘normal’, to be like others who weren’t like me.

I couldn’t understand why I was like this.

I was told it was all in my head.

I had therapy, I saw counsellors, I was diagnosed with depression and post-natal depression.

I was put on happy pills!

If only I knew then what I know now.

It would have saved me many years of trying to be someone that I wasn’t meant to be.

Of indulging in activities and substances to try to ‘correct’ me.

If only someone, anyone, could have helped me realise that there was nothing, absolutely nothing wrong with me.

That I was okay, in fact more than okay.

That it was my brain that worked differently to most of the population.

It was the way I was wired. It was, and is, the way I am.

Nothing to fix because there wasn’t, and there isn’t anything broken.

Nothing to be cured because I wasn’t, and I’m not, sick.

What I was, and what I am, is a Highly Sensitive Person. Along with approximately 20% other humans!

And that is something that it is definitely okay to be!

In fact, it is an amazing way to be.

Yes, I feel things more deeply, this enables me to be more compassionate, kind and understanding of others.

I am more intuitive, more aware, more able to tap into how others are feeling.

More able to tune into myself and know my own needs and wants.

Now that I am listening.

Now that I am paying attention.

Now that I’m not trying to be something I’m not.

I’m more sensitive to the effects of my hormones, to stimulation, to medication, to noise, to alcohol, to smells, to touch.

I am easily overwhelmed.

I experience anxiety, stress and panic attacks.

I react more readily to anything that is over and above what my brain is wired to manage.

But I can manage, if done so in a way that is in line with who I am and how I work.

It’s not a weakness but a strength, especially when embraced and worked with, not against.

For a long time though I didn’t realise this.

I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t able to tolerate what others could.

Why I felt that I had to behave in ways that weren’t ‘me’ to try to cope.

I would drink alcohol more than I should which led to behaviour that wasn’t ‘me’.

I would use smoking as a crutch.

I either over-indulged in food or I was on whatever the latest diet was.

I self-sabotaged and I found relationships difficult to handle.

I wasn’t happy.

I was frustrated and felt that I was living in a world that didn’t get me or understand me.

Heck, I was struggling to get me or understand me!

But over the years, after a long time in my Wilderness of Woe, having experienced so much frustration at myself and others, I began my long journey to acceptance.

At the time not knowing that being ‘highly sensitive’ was a way of being.

Not an illness, not a syndrome.

Just a way of being for many of the human beings on this planet.

Just like we need people who aren’t highly sensitive we also need those of us who are.

We also need the world to recognise and accommodate this.

We need to do this for ourselves as well.

I think the tide is slowly turning.

We are now coming out.

We are not hiding anymore, feeling ashamed and guilty for being the way that we are.

The way that we were born.

We were born sensitive. Not difficult, flawed or damaged.

Those are just labels, that society has placed upon us because this is how we are perceived to be by those that aren’t able to fully understand us.

A fault of both ourselves, for not being able to communicate our needs as we need to, and others for not always, or rarely, giving us the chance to do so.

The world that we live in, particularly the Western World, has not been very accommodating for highly sensitive people which has partly led to this misperception.

‘Preferring toughness, the culture sees our trait as something difficult to live with, something to be cured …. HSPs differ mainly in their sensitive processing of subtle stimuli.’ (Elaine Aron).

We have a deeper response, we ‘feel’ different, ‘we come with a built-in tendency to react more strongly to external stimuli.’ (Elaine Aron).

Yet, due to our trait not being wholly understood, or accepted, many of us found ourselves losing our trust, faith and belief in the world and in others. Even in ourselves.

But I do believe that this is starting to change, even if only very gradually.

There are also many ways in which we can help accelerate this change if we desire to do so.

Ironic being that HSPs are resistant to change initially despite often wanting change to happen!

How can Highly Sensitive People help themselves?

Communicate with those close to you, and perhaps those who aren’t but are in your life, about your high sensitivity. Maybe start with sharing an article, a book, this blog post!

Set boundaries, and don’t be afraid to stick to them.

Write yourself a list of things you’ll say yes to and those you need to say no to and be adaptable. You need to assess how you’re feeling on any particular day, even at any given hour. It depends upon your current state of being, level of overwhelm and how well you’ll be able to handle something.

Look after, and nourish, your mind and body nutritionally, physically, mentally and spiritually.

Be kind to, and gentle with, yourself.

Know your limits, take breaks, have down-time, plan ahead.

Accept, acknowledge and appreciate your sensitivity.

Know that you are not less than.

As a Highly Sensitive Person you actually have to work harder to achieve the success that you desire, this is something to be proud of.

If you need to seek further help, please do so, there is absolutely nothing wrong, or anything shameful about doing so. You may though need to do some research to find help from someone who has experience, and understanding, of this trait.

How can those who are not Highly Sensitive help more?

This is not an exhaustive list but provides some ideas in which you can help those highly sensitive people in your life.

Find out more about what it means to be a Highly Sensitive Person. Especially if you find it difficult to understand how someone can ‘be this way’ and it does not resonate with you at all.

Approximately 15-20% of the population are Highly Sensitive so the chances of you having someone in your life with this trait is high. Just as you would like them to ‘know’ you, take the time and effort to ‘know’ them too.

Acknowledge and accept that people with high sensitivity will be different to you and will be affected by many things that don’t even show up on your radar.

Avoid forcing them to do anything, over-stimulating or overwhelming them – be supportive and ask them to let you know their optimum level of stimulation and overwhelm.

Not all highly sensitive people are the same, there are different levels of sensitivity and what one person may be sensitive to, another may not.

Appreciate that they are not being silly, irrational or intentionally difficult, they truly, genuinely ‘feel’ what they are feeling.

Encourage them to be open with you, not to hide who they are and provide safe, non-judgemental space for them to do this.

If you’re not sure if you’re a Highly Sensitive Person this test, devised by Elaine Aron, is a good starting point for you.

https://hsperson.com/test/highly-sensitive-test/

Further Resources:

The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You by Elaine N Aron, Ph.D.

https://amzn.to/2L6KweC

The Highly Sensitive Person in Love: Understanding and Managing Relationships When the World Overwhelms You by Elaine N Aron, Ph.D.

https://amzn.to/2VkstVP

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